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I went to my favorite resturant/bar today for lunch which is a usual spot for me...the down side is it's a usual spot for Adrian too. I walked in and saw her today. This is the first time I've seen her in nearly two weeks. We were the only two people in the whole fucking place. As soon as I saw her I stopped (thought about turning and just leaving)but then Terri my fav bartender said "Hey Klenk, what's up?" So I greeted her but not Adrian and then sat behind her and not at the bar as I normally do. It was wierd.�Sat there for a few moments, ordered my food and then she did it: "Hey Klenk, what's up?" My heart sank. I wanted to spill my heart out and be like "I love you and am miserable without you. I want to spend eternity with you." But I didn't. I kept it short and not so sweet. She just got a "Hey" the I resumed drinking my cranberry vodka. She got the hint that I wasn't into�talking to her but I wasn't gonna let her ruin my steak and drinks. A few moments went by and I recieved a few texts and I don't think she could stand not having my attention. She turned and said: "Is your wireless working? Mine's not." Again, I wanted to say something sweet to make her smile or say something that only me and her would find funny. But I didn't. I didn't even look at her. I just said "Yep" and resumed eating.

I knew that if I gave in I'd be putty in her hands again. As much as I love her and want to be with her I just keep telling myself that she'll never change.

omg yesterdayy i hunng out wit mii boo :] yeah he came over rite after skool but he had to go home early cuz i had dance practice which was soo gay cuz i wannted to hang out with him...so after i got bak from practice EVERYONE WAS GONE�� � i was home alone :]] soo me and him where textin and i told him to get a ride bak over :] so yeahh we hung out tilll like 7 wen his grama got off...and no one even found out :] it was kinda good we hung out cuz we was talkin about us...i love beein wit that boii, but anywaisee mi brotherss will be here innnn like not evenn 5 hours :]]�

Loosing it beyond control,

The story of my life,

That no one knows.

I love to sing,

I love to write,

The pen in hand,

I hold so tight.

Poems with love, happiness and joy,

Sorry but that’s not me.

That would be some one else sweet pea.

Darkness, sweeter then hell,

Lies, nothing like a fairytale,

Is what I write,

So come with me,

As we all say good night.

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�

I look out the window,

Of this old broke down house,

I remember what it is,

That I was all about.

I open the closet door,

And hold my small head high,

Because if not,

I am bound to cry.

Nothings apart of me,

In this old empty house,

Nothing but the blood shed on the wall,

Tears, no happiness at all.

�

�

Like a caged bird I sat and I sang,

Of freedom, for life that I may lead.

Like a caged bird, I sat and I wrote,

Stories of a life, that everyone took as a joke.

Now though, I’m sitting, here.

Loneliness, compressed by nightmares.

Daddy don’t hit me,

Daddy please stop.

Eyes rolling,

Heart not.

�

�

I’m hiding a life you see,

One of bitterness,

No drink of sweet tea.

�

I’m crying,

But no one knows.

My hearts flying, beyond that rectangle window.

Now I’m looking in here you see, a life that I was supposed to lead.

I hold my head high,

As I walk down the stairs,

This is where I begin the night mare.

I just had a great talk w/my great friend Sarah. She's been going through something similar though not on the same scale. Thank goodness that her's ended somewhat soon and hasn't been dragged out like my situation. I've been so lonely since my relationship w/ Adrian ended. I really hadn't been close to anyone in 4 years or so and when I did open my heart finally it didn't really work out as I had envisioned it. Oh well. I'm trying desperately to move on but it's sooo hard when we work close together and share mutual friends. I just know in my brain that it's a stupid situation. The bad thing is that my heart likes to argue w/my brain =/

I'm struggling with missing her still. I've been spending more time at home and I catch myself looking out the window sometimes when I go to the kitchen just hoping that she pulls in my driveway. But I also wonder at the same time if it's her I miss or the feeling of being in love. Hmmm...

Late

We saw two deers strutting out in the field at work.� Beyond there is the golf course.

The other time, I walk down the Hamilton hike trail slope and couple of elk sprinted passed us.� It was a large elk.� Tim and I were startled.

My experiences in the academy is still unfolding itself. Some of these experiences are good while others are naive. In the academy, there is a quasi- military culture that I am still trying to get used to. I have to, it is the foundation of the kind of education that the academy delivers. It is its mission. Without it, there is nothing significant about the institution anymore.

On my first weekend at the academy, I saw the incoming probationary students. I didn't understand why the parents have to cry, and why things are such a big deal at the academy. But late this morning, I realized why. It's not that easy to start life indoctrinated and under the civilian power. There is a restriction�of freedom. Freedom is something that I treasure most. I've been with UP for the last 8 years, and my life has been fruitfully free. I had the freedom to wear slippers, shorts and a shirt when going to school. I had the freedom to speak my mind, to intellectually�discuss issues and things with friends and foes alike, to take to the streets key issues and principles that I think needs to be addressed by the persons concerned. These things I couldn't see in the academy. Well, obviously. All I know is that when your'e in a military environment, you are under civilian rule. That applies to a certain percentage to the cadets of the academy. And when you are in that certain environment and condition, your life will have a complete turnabout, you are subject to more rigid rules than what your mother might have imposed on you when you were still under�her care. You are expected to do things based on schedule and based on what was expected of you. You have to do things differently- the way you walk, talk, eat and probably sleep.

I don't pity the cadets or cadettes who are under it. I pity it if it happens to me. There is a moral, emotional and psychological degradation that will happen to me if I am in that situation- not counting the physical torment that I would undergo.

Funny. But at one point I was actually thinking of entering the academy. Jeez.

�Probationary students undergo training for one month. If they can surpass it, and if they won't resign, then they are to take oath as fourth class midshipmen in the academy. It's like you earned the right to be first year cadets. Life will probably be hell for them for one year, but if they surpass it, they'll probably be hotshots for the next year.

The next year, they become 3rd class midshipmen, and some of them will form part of the orientation staff who will train�and guide the incoming proby for next year. Leadership knows no boundaries. It only knows what and how to direct in order that the goals can be achieved. I can see in these cadets and cadettes a different training that will make them future leaders of this country. That's something I am beginning to appreciate in this academy- the training of future leaders. They do it in a military way of course.

I've been reading about personal accounts of life at this academy through the eyes of the cadets themselves. It's a hard life. You have to juggle so many responsibilities. You have to balance your physical, emotional, spiritual and�intellectual self.�You have to wake up 4 in the morning to fix your�bunk, do physical training and clean yourself. Then, you have to�attend your classes and study at�night. The hardest part�is dealing with your seniors. You have to obey�hundreds of them and you have to know them by�name one�by one lest you get to be punished when asked�if you know the senior. For me, it's an interesting life�for the one who is determined�for this profession. But I wonder? Is it for the money? Or is it for the love of the profession? I haven't asked a cadet the reason why he�wants to�join the workforce in the maritime industry. But�I know�that a�huge percentage of them would want to go to this profession because of the dollars that can be earned.�

Maybe that's the only and biggest lure of�the profession. But�they forget that the dollar is starting�to weaken plus the recession that�is hitting the US. It's all about the money at the end of the day, I guess. Who would want to stay for months at sea isolated from civilization if not for the money?�Forgive me for being sarcastic, but I don't see anything�so high and mighty about�the profession except for the money.�